I smoked a schedule 1 hallucinogen (marijuana) and watched the movie Titanic and then I wrote this. It’s a live-random-thoughts-while-watching-Titanic blog, and it gets progressively weirder as we go on. I didn’t intend to write this, but that movie is v inspiring. Enjoy.
-Old Rose brings all of her belongings on the research ship at the beginning of the movie. She wanted to be surrounded by all of her stuff. She knew she was gonna die on that boat. I think she killed herself.
-I love that the guy who loses his tickets to Jack Dawson bet the tickets TO THE BIGGEST BOAT EVER and then draws a card. HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A MADE HAND!
-Imagine the smell in the boiler room of the Titanic? My awful nuts are bad in a fresh pair of boxer briefs and these guys were sweltering amongst open fires and the engines of the biggest ship ever with maybe 2 pairs of undies packed.
-If I was Billy Zane I would’ve blown my head off at the Titanic premiere knowing that I would never be as good or perfect for a role as I was for Cal Hockley.
-Just like “I’m a Slave for You” Britney Spears is the hottest woman of all time I think “Titanic” Leo is easily the most gorgeous man of all time.
-Who told Bill Paxton to have a pre-Bieber Bieber haircut? Not only is it pin straight but it’s feathered and highlighted. It looks like hay speckled with liquid gold leaf. Lance Bass had subtler haircuts in the 90s and that’s the style they decided to give this historian/treasure hunter?!
-I haven’t seen this movie not on TNT in like 12 years and the nude scene just gave me a boner.
-As soon as they hit the iceberg and people were asking why the engines had stopped, the ship’s creator, Mr. Andrews, has maybe the worst poker face of all fucking time. The guy was terminator walking through crowded corridors with 19 blue prints in his arms. I’m shocked they didn’t all have giant red X’s drawn on them. The moment anyone saw Mr. Andrew’s they also saw the faint image of the Grim Reaper.
-Conspiracy Theory. Jack Dawson literally cucks Cal Hockley. Leonardo Dicaprio is an environmental activist in real life, and Billy Zane is bald with muscles in real life. Is Titanic actually liberal propaganda made by the SJW’s to embarrass the Alt-Right?
-Every male in this movie is either evil, an idiot, or a coward – except one. And he dies. Every woman I know loves this movie. I have never put this together until now.
-Why am I doing this? Am I trying to get on some dog shit blog? “This lesbian comedian watched Titanic, and you’ll never guess what happens next!”
-I would rather be remembered as a slimy jewel thief that was handcuffed to a pipe and drowned in the freezing ocean than let the love of my life swing an axe at my hands.
-“I hope you enjoy your time together!” This is the best delivered line in cinematic history. It’s dog shit writing, but Billy Zane transcended the limited dialogue and made it great. I would pay triple ticket price to see a Cal Hockley prequel and/or a post Titanic follow up film. But it would have to end right before he killed himself, because I hate watching my heroes die.
-I COMPLETELY FORGOT CAL HOCKLEY USES A RANDOM BABY TO GET ON A RESCUE BOAT! Donald Trump has a lot of work to do if he wants to be the greatest villain in United States history.
-Can someone just send this to Billy Zane? I think it’s my love letter to him.
-They really showcase Irish people as incredibly inept in this movie. First off, Mr. Andrews (the creator/guy with the worst poker face of all time) built a vulnerable ship while cutting corners on safety issues like he’s a Ukrainian landlord. And second, the anonymous Irish mother that just reads “The Tale of Tir na nog” to her kids while the boat is sinking INSTEAD OF TRYING IN ANY WAY TO LIVE. Jesus H. I’m appalled by where I came from.
-My friends and I almost sank our pontoon boat 30 minutes after renting it for my bachelor party in Lake George. We were in 8 feet of water in a lake, and it’s the most paralyzed by fear I have ever been. I was also on several edibles, but that’s besides the point. The image of sinking on basically a floating island with 2,200 people, all fighting for their lives IS INSANE. My only solace comes from knowing that at least 200 of those people were black out drunk and had no idea what was happening.
-I feel bad for Jack Dawson’s Italian friend. He was the second lead in the beginning of the movie. He was cheering and saying a bunch of words that ended in vowels, and was on his way to being a star just like Leo. Next thing we know, we haven’t seen the guy in 2 hours and then when he pops up again he’s getting smashed to death by a giant pipe. Sure he looks like a pizza box logo, but I just think he should’ve been given more of a shot.
-I have not gone Christmas shopping yet.
-Talking about my bachelor party and watching everyone drown in the ocean is giving me an idea – EXTREME Chicken Fights! We have pairs go 8 feet out into the water while medium tide is switching to high, and have them chicken fight to the death. I’ll be sure to Facebook Live it, so I can continue to never make money.
-I know for a fact that Jack couldn’t fit on that door with Rose. My wife is smaller than Kate Winslet and I sleep in a 6″ wide area on our Queen size bed.
-People think Jack’s speech to Rose (as he’s freezing to death) about how she’s going to go on with her life, have babies and die an old woman warm in her bed is romantic. I don’t. I think he finally figured out that she’s way more trouble than she’s worth, and that was his way of saying he’d rather die than continue on with her.
-This particular viewing of Titanic rocked my world. It made me see the movie in a totally new light. I think Young Rose was a smart, determined woman who dreamt of living a life outside of the path that was forced upon her. She fought constant pressure from her mother and both physical and emotional abuse from her fiance. After experiencing the greatest trauma and loss of her life, she struck out on her own and carved a new trail. She was a true hero and deserves to be celebrated. However, Old Rose is a certified sociopath. There is one line at the very end of Old Rose’s story that wipes away 3 hours of lovey dovey feelings. She says “a woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” Is it REALLY?! I have a fragile sense of trust as it is, and then she throws in a line like that. Thanks Rosie, now I will never be able to fully believe a woman when she’s discussing her sexual past. I’m going to just assume they’ve all been had by some impossibly attractive homeless guy who MOST CERTAINLY WAS NOT WEARING A CONDOM. And the fact that she threw her necklace in the ocean at the end is deplorable. How selfish can one person be? She had a daughter who I’m assuming could’ve used the millions of dollars that the jewelry was worth. Instead she’s left in the middle of the ocean with a dead mom who carried dozens of pictures of herself doing things that she can now never afford to do. What a lady! Everyone had a chance to have the best life ever if good old Rose just handed the necklace to her daughter and then killed herself on that boat like she had planned all along.
– FIN –