Mike Cannon Dirty Jokes from a Shitty Kid

27Sep/100

Old Rose from Titanic is Dead

Gloria Stuart, who is most well known for playing the older Rose in the movie Titanic has died today. She was several hundred years old. It just so happens that I watched Titanic yesterday, so her performance is really fresh in my head. Just as an aside, is there a reason TBS has been showing this movie just as much as any Tyler Perry series? Are they trying to tell us something? Perhaps they're trying to draw comparisons between the two. Titanic, as we all know, is about a huge sinking ship that took numerous lives and could have easily been avoided. The shit-show that is "The Brown's" could have been avoided if Tyler Perry's ancestor's went down on one of the original "Africa Cruise Lines." Some may say that's a stretch - and they would be 100% accurate.

Since I know nothing about Ms. Stuart I'm going to assume she is exactly like the character she played. With that in mind, I have a few choice words for her. What is her fucking problem? I know this isn't exactly an original school of thought, but she pissed me off from the moment that movie started. First of all, what's with all the luggage? Did her colostomy bags really take up that much room? She should have just emptied her stomach flap over the side of the deck. She would have ended up feeding a school of fish and fertilizing the vegetation. Selfish move number one.

Number two: Did anyone else realize that she held 6 people captive below deck, and made them listen to her own personal romance novel? Seriously, we as viewers got to watch Kate Winslet and her 21 year old cheese tits posing for nudes and getting banged by a STUNNING Leonardo Dicaprio. STUNNING. These poor schmucks had to listen to a liver spotted, borderline dead chick with baggy, translucent skin talking about some faceless charmer who came inside of her without a condom. I never noticed Leo awkwardly rummaging around in his pockets for a lamb skin, did you? Also, you could basically see her circulatory system failing under fluorescent lights. I would be angrier, but the dude with the beard that looks like Zach Galifianakis with Asberger's was basically heavy petting himself over his jeans. So at least she brought joy to one person.

Number three: The fact that she threw her necklace in the ocean at the end is deplorable. How selfish can one person be? She had a daughter who I'm assuming could've used the millions of dollars that the jewelry was worth. Instead she's left with a dead mom who carried dozens of pictures of herself doing things that she can now never afford to do. What a fuckin' lady! Everyone had a chance to have the best life ever if good old Rose just handed the necklace to her daughter and then masturbated herself to death.

Worst line of the movie: This film is supposed to be an epic love story, and overwhelmingly romantic. There is one line at the very end of Rose's story that wipes away 3 hours of lovey dovey feelings. She says "a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets." Is it REALLY?! I have a fragile sense of trust as it is, and then this frail sack of brittle bones throws in a line like that. Thanks Rosie, now I will never be able to fully believe a woman when she's discussing her sexual past. I'm going to just assume they've all been banged by some impossibly attractive homeless guy with no glove. Sounds more like Ms. Stuart's snatch is was a deep ocean of secrets.

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